School Days

By the time you read this column, school will probably have started for your child. The beginning of the school year is anxiety producing for many children, especially for those children who are in transition from one learning situation to another. Children starting school for the first time, children transitioning from grade school to middle school, and teenagers transitioning from middle school to high school, all have common dilemmas. These children, despite their great age differences, all find themselves dealing with a new environment, new friends, new peer group expectations, more responsibility, and increased academic demands. These transitions require that your child be more responsible and therefore, in some ways, more independent of you. Increased responsibility and independence from parents may be unsettling for some children. Children are not always emotionally ready for these changes. Parents may help by talking to their children about these upcoming transitions and perhaps even sharing their own school experiences. The following are from parents whose children are experiencing school related dilemmas.

FROM A PARENT OF A NEW PRESCHOOLER:

My son is four years old and has started pre-school for the first time. According to his teachers, he cries, asks for me, and distracts his teachers from tending to the other kids. What bothers me is that they say there is something wrong with my child. They said he should be like other kids. They even pointed out one example where one child, even on the first day, was able to enter the classroom without even looking back at his mother. Is something really wrong with my son? Am I at fault for having not raised him to be less dependent?

RICHARD’S RESPONSE TO THE PARENT OF A NEW PRESCHOOLER:

Nothing that you have told me suggests fault with your parenting. Not all children are on the same developmental timetable. Some children just aren’t ready to spend large amounts of time away from their primary caretaker. Your son may need a little more time before he feels comfortable in a preschool setting. His teacher’s example of a child that can leave his mother without looking back, may, for some children, suggest other types of problems. If preschool attendance at this age is a necessity for your family and cannot be delayed for a few months, then a different approach to his school may be indicated. You may arrange with the school an abbreviated attendance schedule as well as staying with your son a few moments until he settles in. Re-evaluate your choice of pre-school and whether or not it is appropriate for your child and family.

FROM A PARENT OF A FAILING MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENT:

My son James has just completed his first year of middle school this June and his grades were atrocious. He seems to make A’s on his tests but he doesn’t do his homework and turn in his assignments. His teachers said he sits in class, stares off in space and is generally inattentive. When at home, besides spending time with friends, he is obsessed with on-line competitive strategy war games, games where one accumulates wealth, following the stock market both in the newspaper and on TV, and in general gets independently involved with subjects of interest to him. Actually, I am impressed with how much he knows about ancient European and Asian history. It has been suggested to me that James has attention deficit disorder and that he should be medicated. I just don’t want to jump into medication. Whatever consequences we make for James concerning his laziness about his assignments don’t seem to work. I don’t know what to do. How can I help James learn and get his grades going in different direction?

RICHARD’S RESPONSE TO A PARENT OF A FAILING MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENT:

Whether or not James has attention deficit disorder should come from a consensus of his school psychologist, child psychiatrist and pediatrician. Attention deficit and depression in children, along with certain other disorders of childhood, share many symptoms and a careful evaluation is needed, especially when medication is being considered. That evaluation also might include testing by an independent psychologist for areas not generally tested by the school psychologist.  These evaluations should include the family stressors that may or may not be affecting James’s academic performance. The results of these evaluations will indicate a treatment plan involving his school and outside professionals.

However, it seems that James is not only learning but that he is quite bright. He has remarkably accumulated enough general knowledge to perform well on tests. It may be that James is bored and/or that he just doesn’t learn in the way prescribed in the normal school setting. Your bright son just may have a different leaning style that cannot accommodate to a traditional school setting. Should testing prove negative for a discernable childhood developmental or leaning disorder, then other considerations may be appropriate. Should your family have the means for an alternative school setting, placement in a school more supportive of his learning style may be considered. James may flourish in an encouraging and supportive atmosphere without the negative connotations associated with missing homework and incomplete assignments. In time, as James matures both physically and developmentally, you may find that he is able to exhibit more responsibility and incorporate more than one learning style not currently available to him. You did not mention how all this has affected James’s mood and opinion of himself. I do think, given that James must know he has disappointed his parents and teachers for quite some time, that counseling is a necessity for him.